Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Message from the Secretary of Fear

My Fellow Americans,

At 07:00 Wednesday 6 July 2011 the Office of the Secretary of Fear received a bulletin from a British spy agency suggesting that the terrorists might be planning to send women with exploding breast implants to attack us.  Recognizing the shock value and timeliness of this threat, the Department immediately passed this intelligence along to the media.

On behalf of the United States Department of Fear and its partners, I urge every American to take this warning seriously.

Because the threat of exploding breast implants coincides with a looming debt crisis, it's not enough to be scared, we need you to act:  1) Phone your Congressman and implore him not to cut defense spending; 2) Watch Fox to keep yourself focused on this threat to the Homeland; 3) Use social media to share your fear of exploding breasts with friends and family; 4) Petition FDA Director Suzette Lazo to approve Securatine without further delay.  

For updates, visit the Department's twitter account:

Malcolm P. Stag III
Secretary of Fear
United States Department of Fear

1 comment:

Your comments are important to us. We will make every effort to respond before it's too late.

Dr. Rebecca Wolf
Undersecretary for Community and New Media
United States Department of Fear