Monday, November 22, 2010

Tomorrow's TSA: more privacy, greater security

Good news for air travelers.  Changes are coming to airport security.  DoF has learned of developments that will not only tighten security, but make the entire TSA screening process more efficient.  Although hand-luggage will be screened as before, those dreaded TSA pat-downs and backscatter X-rays will soon be a thing of the past.  Incredibly, a new technology will even detect the presence of explosives hidden in body cavities.

Scientific Background
Analysis of blood samples taken from both the shoe and underwear bombers detected the explosive chemicals PETN and TAPN.  This means that trace amounts of plastic explosives enter the bodies of would-be bombers through the skin.  Scientists at MIT and Los Alamos National Laboratory have discovered that these compounds react radioactively with fucidic-ketrodimerol.  This means that a mildly radioactive catalyst agent containing fucidic-ketrodimero is capable of producing rapid ionization of PETN and TAPN in the human body. Hence the new TSA plan.

New TSA Screening Process 
Ticketed passengers will simply be required to orally ingest a tiny vile of uranium-sulphide-fucidic--ketrodimerol (UrSoFkd).  Having been tested extensively on small animals, with a radioactive half-life of only nine hours, this chemical is considered completely safe.   When mixed with aspartame, focus groups report that the tangy orange potion tastes delicious.  Artificially sweetened UrSoFkd will be marketed in the United States by IPIG under the trade name Securatine®.*

Presently, plans call for administration of Securatine® to happen at the airline check-in counter.   By the time your have made your way to TSA security, your body chemistry will be suitable for screening.  At the TSA checkpoint, you will be asked to walk, fully attired, behind a sensitized non-emitting screen that will register the ions given off by the Securatine®.   Detection of suspect passengers by TSA officers stationed at monitors will be easy and unobtrusive.
* Securatine® is a registered trade mark of Icarus Pharmaceutical Industrial Group (NASDAQ: ICRX).


  1. Anonymous29.12.10

    As I understand it from your excellent overview, the bomber's body will emit a radiation signal markedly different from that of ordinary passengers (due to reaction of UrSoFkd/Securatine with traces of PETN/TAPN).

    The thing I don't understand is how exactly does the TSA staff at the monitors distinguish terrorists from the rest of us? Do the staff operating the machines need special advanced training in nuclear medicine?

  2. Anonymous,

    Good question. Only minimal training will continue to be required of TSA staff.

    Detection of suspect passengers by TSA officers stationed at monitors will be easy and unobtrusive: A) The bodies of persons who have not been in contact with any plastic explosive compounds will appear red on a TSA monitor. B) The appearance of a green figure on a TSA monitor will indicate the possible presence of plastic explosive compounds.

  3. Hi guys. I work for USDE (fermilab). Although I'm not an specialist in bio-nuclear imagery, based on this report, and speaking as someone who flies frequently, refuses to enter X-ray scanners, and hates pat-downs (unless done by hot females), I'm hopeful and intrigued.

    But I have a concern. Will there not be too many false positives? Has TSA looked into this question?

  4. Ernie,

    TSA informs us that the possibility of testing error is estimated to be extremely low (less than 0.0000001%). This means that for every hundred million passengers, there will be only 10 false positives -- an exceedingly low error rate. So low, in fact, that to be on the safe side, plans call for the President of the United States to authorize the indefinite detainment of any suspicious-looking individuals who fail the test.

  5. Anonymous29.12.10

    DoF seems to be a better source of info than TSA, and a lot more responsive. I fly frequently, and I want to keep up to date about these things. Are you guys on Twitter?


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