Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Our partnership with WalMart

In the following video, a WalMart customer relations officer provides information to a customer about our partnership with WalMart.  Our purpose is to keep the American People conscious of national security issues at all times.  If we can alert them to terror threat even while they're scrounging for affordable food and clothing, so much the better!

We understand that some WalMart stores are playing this next video continuously.  We love Janet:

WalMart's participation in the program is patriotic, but it also makes good business sense for three reasons:  
  1. This kind of program lubricates the relationship between a large corporation and the government.  WalMart knows it's unlikely that the Justice Department will pursue an anti-trust case against the company anytime soon.  As you may recall, the US Supreme Court recently ruled against female employees of the store, siding with WalMart.  
  2. Some psychologists believe that fear makes people spend money more freely.  By reminding shoppers of the looming terror threat, shoppers may be willing to spend more money.  They will rake up credit card debt today, knowing there could be no tomorrow.  
  3. When a cabinet secretary creates a special announcement for WalMart, mentioning the store by name, the implication is that the United States government considers WalMart is respectable establishment.  That's the implicit message that every shopper hears.  Shoppers realize that if the government trusts WalMart to serve as full-fledged national security partner, surely a consumer can trust the store to provide the lowest prices.  (The cost of low prices to the community and republic be damned).  
As George W. Bush taught the American People, the most patriotic response to the threat of terrorism is to go shopping.   And throughout a decade of free-spending and safety from terrorism, Americans discovered the wisdom of those words.  

Videos via Fighting for Liberty


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Message from the Secretary of Fear

My Fellow Americans,

At 07:00 Wednesday 6 July 2011 the Office of the Secretary of Fear received a bulletin from a British spy agency suggesting that the terrorists might be planning to send women with exploding breast implants to attack us.  Recognizing the shock value and timeliness of this threat, the Department immediately passed this intelligence along to the media.

On behalf of the United States Department of Fear and its partners, I urge every American to take this warning seriously.

Because the threat of exploding breast implants coincides with a looming debt crisis, it's not enough to be scared, we need you to act:  1) Phone your Congressman and implore him not to cut defense spending; 2) Watch Fox to keep yourself focused on this threat to the Homeland; 3) Use social media to share your fear of exploding breasts with friends and family; 4) Petition FDA Director Suzette Lazo to approve Securatine without further delay.  

For updates, visit the Department's twitter account:


Malcolm P. Stag III
Secretary of Fear
United States Department of Fear

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

SWAT team protects Jefferson Memorial from dancers

SWAT team members, on look out for dancers, patrol the Jefferson Memorial on July 4, 2011. (E. Syme photo)

It was feared that a group might start dancing in the vicinity of the Thomas Jefferson monument on the Fourth of July. Because the Department of Fear has been concerned about this possibility, we sent Easton Syme to monitor the situation.

Syme reports:
  • There were about twenty police vehicles in the vicinity of the monument. 
  • No access to the monument was permitted to anyone who had not had their bags screened. 
  • Persons thought to be predisposed to dancing were ordered to present identification. 
  • Opposite the screening tent was an armored SWAT vehicle
  • Several civilians with "Homeland Security" badges were present.
  • The Washington DC Department of Infectious Diseases sent some vehicles to the monument. That was a wise precaution as many dancers would likely be carriers of the HIV virus, and a police officer might get bitten.
Although the monument was fenced off, and everyone entering the Jefferson Memorial was screened for weapons, Homeland Security took the extra precaution of sending a SWAT team to patrol the inside of the monument.   Several members of the SWAT team wielded machine guns.

Syme says that the purpose of the SWAT team was twofold: First, to deter anyone who may have been inclined to dance.  Second, to remind the general public that these are dangerous times, and that another terrorist attack might very well be imminent.

When asked to comment about the dancing at the Jefferson Memorial, SecFear Malcolm P. Stag III said, "We welcome every opportunity to expand our national security footprint throughout the nation's capital and beyond.  Jefferson Memorial is our newest stomping ground."

These videos document the arrest of dancers at the Jefferson Memorial in June 2011: