Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Was Mayor Bloomberg's terrorist bomb scare a success?

Late Sunday afternoon, the office of New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced that a terrorism related press conference was about to occur. At the press conference, NYPD officials alleged that a home grown lone wolf terrorist had been caught planning a series of terrorist attacks across the city using homemade bombs.

Our question: Did the this Fear Event have its intended effect?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Threat to repair bridge triggers deployment of land, air and sea assets

We're proud to announce that we prevented Occupy DC protesters from repairing Key Bridge today--our Sign Intelligence Unit determined they planning to do something like that.  The serious nature of the threat prompted full mobilization of the department's land, air, and sea assets. 

Occupy DC protesters, hell bent on fixing the bridge, numbered in the hundreds.  

Land:  Ten of some fifty vehicles deployed--in addition to four horses.

Air:  One of our surveillance helicopters (we kept the AWACS at a safe distance).

Sea:  Heavily armed patrol boat passes under the bridge. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Occupation Domino Theory

"If the Department of Fear now were to throw in the towel, and come home, and the Occupiers took over South Cascadia, then, all over North America, all over the Pacific, in the Mid East, in Europe, in the world, the Department of Fear would suffer a blow. And war. Because we are the great war-making entity in the world today because of our power. Would suffer a blow from which it might not recover."
- Secretary of Fear Malcolm P. Stag III

Friday, November 11, 2011

Kite-fliers to be charged under Terrorism Act

The U.S. Dept. of Fear is passionate about charging ordinary Americans with crimes under our terrorism laws.  Today many countries can be observed to be following our example.  
Kite-flyers to be booked under ATA

Staff Report

LAHORE: Capital City Police Officer (CCPO), Ahmad Raza Tahir said that cases under Terrorism Act would be registered against those kite-flyers who would deliberately endanger lives of fellow citizens by using dangerous strings.

CCPO directed a complete ban on kite-flying and directed all SHOs to ensure indiscriminate action against the usage of prohibited elements, such as dangerous strings, in order to ensure proper protection of innocent lives. He also directed a strict action against aerial firing and those indulging in the string-making and kite-flying for which all divisional SPs will be held responsible for their respective areas. On the directive of CCPO, during the current year, Lahore Police has registered as many as 380 cases of kite-flying and arrested 405 culprits.

He warned that if any officer or official displayed laxity in this regard, he would be proceeded against strictly, at the departmental level. He ordered Lahore Police to take effective legal action with regard to aerial firing and stated that law would come into action indiscriminately against those who flout the ban on kite-flying. He also instructed police officers to ensure comprehensive implementation of ban on kite flying, aerial firing and fireworks in their respective areas.
Daily Times of Pakistan

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Cash or Visa? We're making that choice easier for you

Our financial partners make money every time a consumer pulls out plastic to settle a bill. This got us thinking. What if everyone who tried to pay with cash received a suspicious look or a visit from the FBI?

We made this video to train hotel staff.

Hat-tip Citizensnews

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Other suggested names for Homeland Security

Do you have a new name in mind for DHS? If you're on Twitter, we invite you to tweet your suggestion to @FearDept with the tag #NewName4DHS.

More names:

What do the stars and stripes symbolize?

The stars represent the 50 great American banks of 1980s; the stripes, the 14 great banks after the mergers of the 1990s.   For more details, see this post.

Jesse Ventura can't have his day in court (national security)

Some background from the Washington Post:
Ventura sued the federal government in January, alleging that airport scans and pat-downs amounted to unreasonable search and seizure. A district judge in St. Paul threw out his lawsuit Thursday, ruling it should have been filed in a Circuit Court of Appeals.

Ventura has said a titanium hip implanted in him in 2008 sets off metal detectors and that agents previously used hand-held wands to scan his body. He said he was subjected to a body pat-down after an airport metal detector went off last November. Ventura said he hasn’t flown since and won’t fly commercially again.
Asked to comment on the case, SecFear Malcolm P. Stag III said, "We regard Gov. Ventura as a possible terror suspect just like any other American citizen. Because he's neither a member of the club nor a corporation, he lacks standing in our courts."

Thursday, November 3, 2011

E Pluribus Quattuor : Out of Many, Four

The old moto "E Pluribus Unum" was printed on the back of the U.S. penny.

When Congress bailed out insolvent Wall Street banks in 2008, not only did this move enable Wall Street to continue paying large bonuses, it gave America's largest banks the resources to swallow even more small banks.  The appearance of four humongous banks marked the culmination of a process that had been going on for two decades. 

Somehow the Big Four escaped bankruptcy and were declared to have passed Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's "stress test" in 2009.  To mark the occasion, "E Pluribus Quattuor" was proposed as the new moto for the United States America by a committee of the U.S. Senate.

E Pluribus Quattuor describes an action: Many uniting into four. An accurate translation of the motto is "Out of many, four."
Too big to fail chart h/t James Fallows

We're keeping America safe from Occupy Wall Street