Tuesday, October 21, 2008

DOF advisory: red

Analysts have advised the DOF Directorate of Information (DOFDI) that a code "orange" terror alert is unlikely to produce the intended effect of bringing more security-minded voters to exercise discretion at the polls on 4 November 2008.

Accordingly, DOF has advised DHS to raise the Homeland Security Terror Alert Level Status to "red" within the next seven days. Furthermore, it is strongly advised that this action be taken in coordination with other branches of government; including the White House, the Pentagon, Fox News and other major networks.

Friday, October 17, 2008

DOF requests raised security threat level

DOF has issued an urgent request to DHS to raise the The National Security Threat Level from "yellow" to "orange" in advance of the November 4 election. APA certified psychologist Dr. Vince Mince reports that unless the threat level is raised to "orange" within the next two weeks, "fear insufficiency" may deter many security-minded voters from going to the polls. Mince writes:
In such an event, a relatively reckless, youthful cohort of voters is likely to comprise a large proportion of the electorate.

Five great years

DOF staff want to congratulate our friends at Homeland Security -- particularly Mike and the rest of the leadership team -- for making history these past five years.

How effective has Homeland Security been? Well, ask yourselves this question: Since 2003 -- when the Department of Homeland Security was founded -- have Americans become less fearful of the world or more fearful? We at DOF firmly believe the latter. Today most Americans have a robust and healthy fear of the unknown.

Given recent events, that is quite an accomplishment. To think that nothing -- not the destruction of New Orleans, not the prospect of Iraq turning into a failed state, nor even the collapse of the US financial system -- has overtaken "the unknown" as Americans' greatest fear. Against the odds, Homeland Security has successfully nurtured fear of the unknown in the hearts and minds of the American People.

While Congress squabbles, Americans know that Homeland Security will be there to protect America's major corporations from the really serious dangers: the threats that have yet to strike us.

We at DOF are proud partners of Mike and the entire team at HS.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Red Dawn remake in the works

We all remember the day Georgia attacked Russian-allied South Ossetia. Our country's support for Georgia's courageous leader gave him and his fellow Georgians the courage to take on the Russians.

Some will say the following is just a coincidence. Don't believe them.

Three weeks before the war, Hollywood had agreed to do a remake of Red Dawn. Red Dawn, of course, is the celebrated 1984 film that described the invasion of the United States by the Russians. On July 9, 2008 this story ran in the Hollywood Reporter:
"The tone is going to be very intense, very much keeping in mind the post-9/11 world that we're in," says Ellsworth, who was 11 when the original was released. "As 'Red Dawn' scared the heck out of people in 1984, we feel that the world is kind of already filled with a lot of paranoia and unease, so why not scare the hell out of people again?"
DOF wishes Mr. Ellsworth success towards achieving his goal for the film.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Movie plots need to be taken more seriously

A citizen named Jennifer writes:
Today, a security analyst wrote in the Guardian: "We need to defend against the broad threat of terrorism, not against specific movie plots." As someone who thinks a lot about movie plots, I was wondering: what is the position of DOF?
Bob Smith, Deputy-Directory of Public Relations at DOF replies:
Jennifer, DOF recommends that Americans get their information from US-based networks and cable news channels, i.e. Fox. Foreign media sources can be unreliable. Concerning the opinion piece in the Guardian, DOF experts point to common sense. We all know that it is the scariest movies that feel the most real and give us our worst nightmares. Such fears are real to the American people, and we at DOF along with partner agencies, and the President are doing everything we can to defeat those who could cause our worst fears to be realized.

In the meantime, be afraid Jennifer. It is a dangerous world.

Current threat level

Today's DHS advisory:
September 3, 2008 — The United States government's national threat level is Elevated, or Yellow.

There is no credible, specific intelligence suggesting an imminent threat to the homeland at this time. Still, we are closely assessing potential threats and response planning leading into and following the electoral process in 2008 to 2009.
To be on the safe side, stay afraid.

Obama: totally baked

Obama may seem calm and cool in contrast to the impulsive John McCain. Don't believe it. A team of APA certified psychologists -- on leave from a CIA black site in Thailand -- have concluded that Obama is a habitual user of Cannabis sativa. In colloquial parlance, the candidate is usually stoned.

Dr. Mark Wetboard of UCLA summarized the panel's conclusion: "In our dangerous world, how else could a US presidential candidate remain so calm and cool, giving off the impression that he is so in control of things?"

Dangerous world calls for a dangerous man

"My fellow citizens, we live in a dangerous world. And we need a President who understands the lessons of September 11, 2001: that to protect America, we must stay on the offense, stop attacks before they happen, and not wait to be hit again. The man we need is John McCain."

- President George W. Bush, speaking out in support of the hot-tempered and impulsive candidate John McCain

DOF supporter: Northrop Grumman

The international environment remains a dangerous place. Twelve nations now have nuclear weapons, and 28 nations have ballistic missiles that can be used as delivery systems for these armaments. Consequently, America must continue to rely on its land-based ICBMs, and therefore must keep upgrading them to maintain the advantage as technology of adversaries improves and poses increasing threats to the nation’s security.

RNC security update

We have successfully arrested and jailed hundreds of protesters -- including civil rights-minded lawyers, and journalists -- in advance of the convention. But there is always the danger that we missed a few.

For your own safety, we ask that you avoid travel to Minneapolis until the end of the Republican National Convention.

Know hope