Thursday, March 24, 2011

Some advice on how not to get suspected of terrorism rules allow investigators to hold domestic-terror suspects longer than others without giving them a Miranda warning, significantly expanding exceptions to the instructions that have governed the handling of criminal suspects for more than four decades.   
The WSJ calls the new guidelines, "one of the Obama administration's most significant revisions to rules governing the investigation of terror suspects in the U.S."

Predictably, civil rights America-hating pundits are making this routine legal adjustment sound like the end of the world when it's not.   Our president only takes away the kind of rights that most law-abiding American citizens never knew they had, rights few would miss.  The president knows that every time he takes away a freedom, it makes Americans feel that much safer.  Because the United States is the most free country on earth, we have a surplus of freedoms.  In a dangerous world, it's sensible to give up a few rights every now and again in exchange for the perception of safety.  

Unless your behavior is perceived to resemble that of a terrorist, the Obama Administration's new interpretation of Miranda won't concern you at all.  Nevertheless, a few precautions are in order.   

Our colleagues at the Dept. of Homeland Security (DHS) understand that the next terrorist attack will resemble the previous attack, and they are preparing for it.  By following several precautions, you help DHS narrow the list of suspects, making their job easier.   Moreover, by following our suggested guidelines, you will reduce the odds that you will be deprived of your Miranda rights, detained indefinitely, and forced to sleep naked in solitary confinement

Department of Fear Guidelines on how not to get suspected of terrorism
  1. Don't have a lot of foreign stamps in your passport. 
  2. Most Americans don't have a passport. What makes you so special?  Standing out only invites unwanted attention from Homeland Security.   Better not to own a passport.  
  3. Never rent a minivan or any kind of truck.  
  4. If you need items from the hardware store, get them delivered.  You don't want the police to stop you only to discover a chainsaw or a tank of kerosene in the back of the truck.   Or God forbid, boxcutters.  Always arrange to have hardware store supplies delivered to your home.   
  5. Don't leave hardware store supplies in the garage where contents may be visible from the street.  Keep all home improvement and gardening supplies locked inside the house.  
  6. Don't carry a camera.  It's widely believed that terrorists do a lot of street photography prior to launching their attacks.  Police think terrorists don't know how to use Google Earth. 
  7. Don't install Google Earth on your laptop.  Some clever terrorists are likely to have heard about it, and there's people at the FBI who are on to this.
  8. Never ever buy a one-way plane ticket. 
  9. Don't use online software, including Facebook, Twitter, Google, or Microsoft.    The US military and the NSA monitor social media, and it's always possible that some message you send will be misinterpreted.  
  10. In telephone conversations (whether cell phone or land-line), avoid speaking the names of big cities, national landmarks, foreign countries, or national political leaders.   NSA is listening and, trust us, you don't want to raise suspicions.
  11. Keep your guns and ammo locked up.
  12. Don't visit Washington D.C., New York, or any other city that has ever been targeted by terrorists unless you absolutely have to.   If you have to travel to DC or NY on business, remain in your hotel unless you have a reason to be somewhere.   For example, you don't want to be stopped strolling down Pennsylvania Avenue near the White House.  Do you expect capital police are going to believe that you were "just looking?"
  13. Under no circumstances should women wear scarves. If it's cold, wear a hat instead.
  14. If you are a Sikh, Hindu, Buddhist, or practice any non-Christian religion,  try to not to dress strangely.  Men should shave their beards.  Women should not wear a sari.  Our police commonly mistake non-Christians for Muslims. 
  15. If you are a Muslim, do not carry on your person any of the paraphernalia of your faith.  Shave. Tell your wife to ditch the burka.  Mind points 1-14 scrupulously.   God help you.
  16. As soon as the notorious leaker Bradley Manning cracks, it's inevitable that WikiLeaks will be formally declared a terrorist organization.  This hardly needs saying, but DoF urges you to "unfriend" anyone you suspect may hold a positive view of WikiLeaks (even if a person is a family member or an old friend).
  17. If you found it necessary to carry out recommendation #16, we advise you to report the names of everyone you just "unfriended" to the US Dept. of Fear.   
If you follow these 17 simple precautions, it less likely that you will be suspected of terrorism, deprived of your Miranda rights, and sent to a Supermax prison where interrogators will try to get you to incriminate yourself.

Always remember, they hate us for our freedoms.   


  1. i have never, not once, felt fear so great i was willing to trade a shred of liberty for security, and i will NEVER do so; i would then have neither, nor would i deserve them, jefferson had a point. i know my rights, even if they've been illegally denied; i read the patriot act before congress was given a chance, and it turned my anger into rage; i refuse to harm anyone, but i will not live in a state of manufactured fear.

  2. You'd better get over to right away! Communists! Communists everywhere.

    And while I am here, some of my neighbours have beards! You should send someone over.

    I'm not so sure about my wife either~!


Your comments are important to us. We will make every effort to respond before it's too late.

Dr. Rebecca Wolf
Undersecretary for Community and New Media
United States Department of Fear