Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Operation Cola Freedom

"...these lemonade stand shutdowns seem to be getting more and more common. If you set up a stand for your kids, just be prepared for a visit from the cops."

Operation Cola Freedom
In mid-July an elite unit of DoF Intelligence -- they had been assigned to read the personal emails of politically active Americans -- learned that members of the Lemonade Liberation Army (LLA) planned to distribute low-priced lemonade on Capitol Hill in August.

The US Dept. of Fear enjoys a longstanding partnership with American's leading cola drink manufacturers.  On account of this mutually beneficial relationship, we have long been committed to closing down lemonade stands throughout the country.  The moment the intel came in, SecFear set the gears of 'Operation Cola Freedom' in motion.

The intention of this article is to provide the American People with important background about Operation Cola Freedom, and explain what's at stake for America in the "War on Lemonade."  

Background: "The War on Lemonade"
Up until the 1980s kids throughout America were allowed to sell lemonade on the street in the summertime.  At that time, Lemonade stands were just about as ubiquitous as crack houses.  Of course, that was before we asked television news stations to alert parents to the threat of child abduction on a nightly basis.  For the most part, street-corner lemonade stands are today a thing of the past.

Most American children spent the summer of 2011 safely inside their homes watching television or playing video games while they drank Coca-Cola and snacked on Oreo cookies.  We've come a long way.   Today when American kids need refreshment, their parents know enough to buy Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, or 7-Up.   Parents don't have time to make lemonade.  And parents know it's too risky to let their children do it.

The Lemonade Liberation Army put this highly profitable trend at risk, threatening the growth of America's highly successful beverage and food conglomerates.  Fortunately, the LLA violated any number of Department of Commerce policies, the regulations of various other departments, including health and safety statues.   

Intelligence reports suggest that LLA calculated it could charge $0.10 per cup of lemonade and still make a profit. If the American public learned about this, they might suspect Coca-Cola and Pepsi were overcharging them. We're well aware that the jobless masses are sick and tired of having to scrounge for $2.50 in coins to buy a can of Sprite. The LLA threatened to create an explosive situation.  Keep in mind that the Lemonistas were apprehend only days after young rioters looted London.  

Distribution of non-HFCS, non-chemically-sweetened products
A source within the LLA told us that LLA lemonade was sweetened with sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup (HFCS). We passed along this information to the Department of Agriculture (DOA), the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).  They responded promptly, alerting various corporate lobby groups. Congress promptly approved funding for Operation Cola Freedom.

The Department of Agriculture issued the following statement:
 "American taxpayers subsidize agribusinesses (i.e. Monsanto) and industrial-scale farms so they can grow genetically modified corn. Subsidized American GMO corn is sold for the manufacture of HFCS at a sufficiently low cost to undermine otherwise highly competitive sugar farmers in the developing world (Haiti, Laos, Egypt, Ghana, etc.)....  The State Department is aware of the situation....  In addition, non-compliance with the HFCS mandate has the potential to reduce the rates of certain chronic diseases in the population.  Any significant improvement in the health of the American public would impact the profitability of our partners in the American pharmaceutical industry. Accordingly, we have notified the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the World Health Organization (WHO)."
Food and Drug Administration (FDA) expressed concern that no Aspartame-based diet sweeteners (Nutrasweet, Splenda, etc.) had been used in manufacturing the LLA lemonade.   Aspartame contributes not only to the bottom line of its manufacturer, but its scary chemical profile renders the chemical a godsend to the pharmaceutical industry.  Accordingly, the FDA notified the relevant industry lobby groups.  The lobbyists pressured members of Congress to transfer $87 million dollars from the Social Security Administration account to the Homeland Security budget:  Operation Cola Freedom was born.

Additionally, the FDA has reviewed videos made by our security forces during Operation Cola Freedom. FDA is now concerned that LLA members could be heard promoting "nutritious lemonade" and one member referred to "lemons" as healthy. Clearly, several LLA members made illegal health claims about lemons. Accordingly, FDA informs us that additional charges will be pressed. An FDA official has asked us to remind the American people that "lemons are not a drug and cannot be advertised to treat or cure any disease."

Our security forces fully supported the execution of Operation Cola Freedom.  In fact, as this officer makes clear, there's nothing they won't do for us in The War on Lemonade. 

Sam Buckmeister, director of Operation Cola Freedom, wants to thank the Word Trade Organization (WTO) and the American Beverage Association.   The United States Department of Fear would like to congratulate its Washington D.C. based security forces for the success of Operation Cola Freedom.

To keep up with recent crackdowns in the War on Lemonade, you will want to bookmark this map
For now (but not for much longer) the Lemonade Liberation Army has a Facebook Page. Special thanks to this blogger for alerting DoF to one of the videos.

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Dr. Rebecca Wolf
Undersecretary for Community and New Media
United States Department of Fear