Monday, May 9, 2011

Obama orders mandatory mental health examinations

Got a lot of questions on your mind concerning the killing of OBL?  Contact us about arranging your mandatory mental health examination.  President's orders.

Last week a number of Americans questioned the way the Navy SEAL team dealt with Osama bin Laden.  On Sunday evening the president of the United States finally put his foot down, declaring his intention subject these troublemakers to mandatory mental health examinations.

President Obama announced the new public health policy during an interview on the popular CBS News program "60 Minutes."  CG reports: 
With many other aspects of the operation available in the full interview below, Obama closed out his "60 Minutes" interview by saying, “As nervous as I was about this whole process, the one thing I didn’t lose sleep over was the possibility of taking Bin Laden out. Justice was done. And I think that anyone who would question that the perpetrator of mass murder on American soil didn’t deserve what he got needs to have their head examined.”
Particularly in view of the widespread perception that the terrorists are likely to retaliate against the United States in the near future,  the president's proposal seems likely to garner near unanimous bipartisan support.   The American People are frightened.  They understand the need to examine the heads of those who question the government's narrative.  That's because at the back of every compliant citizen's mind is a nagging question: What if those dissenters from mainstream opinion really are "with the terrorists"?  

Mental Health Examinations
It is expected that the new mental health exam will only be mandatory for known civil libertarians and those who have "friended" such individuals in their online social networks.  The examination will likely be developed by the United States Department of Fear (DoF) in cooperation with the National Security Agency (NSA), and the American Psychological Association (APA).

Political Re-Education Program (PREP)
Anyone who fails the mental health exam (and who's name is not on the president's list), may be required to attend a re-education camp. The Department of Fear is already soliciting bids from contractors who have expressed an interest in developing the infrastructure and curriculum for the Political Re-education Program (PREP).

Contacted by phone Sunday night, SecFear Malcolm P. Stag III told DoF blog, "Our partners for PREP may include the Corrections Corporation of America, a consortium of for-profit universities, News Corp., and the SERE Training School at Fort Bragg."

Concerning funding, SecFear said, "The budget is as yet unknown, but like any high-profile national security initiative, PREP promises to be wildly profitable for its partners in the private sector (PREPPIES)."

SecFear mentioned that he had "just got off the phone with the CEO of a leading pharmaceutical company."  SecFear was told that the company has "a new drug in the pipeline" that the CEO believes "could be re-branded to treat PREP participants."


  1. Anonymous9.5.11

    will the test be issued at airports?

  2. Not the test itself.

    However, the new drug mentioned above helps to prevent deviant thinking. Therefore, as a preventative measure, we're looking at the possibility of administering the drug to all incoming visitors, or at least requiring proof/certification of prior immunization.


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Dr. Rebecca Wolf
Undersecretary for Community and New Media
United States Department of Fear